Chris Wisnia and UncleDad's Old Timey Radio show EP 2: The Masquerade

0:00 Music. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Uncle Dadoween's special limited series with your host, Uncle Dad, and of course, the mythical being, Chris Wisnia. Chris, what's up?

0:44 What's up? Thanks for having me again. You know, I hope you'll never get tired of saying that because we've got a total of, what, four more episodes to go? Oh, gosh. Chris today's episode of five minute mysteries and for those who are just listening for the first time please go back and listen to the previous episode because what we're doing here to celebrate halloween is we're going back to the golden era of storytelling if you will and that is going to be through the storytelling aspect of radio shows so what we're doing is five minute mysteries where we all me and chris wisman work together to figure out who did the mystery just like you can as well while playing at home. So today's episode is called, are you ready for this, Chris?

1:26 Yeah, give it to me. The Masquerade. The Masquerade. Oh, so this is based on the song by Berlin. Did that come out in the 40s? What's funny is I actually didn't make that reference and it didn't get that at first. I was like, oh, okay, clever man. But here's my question for you, Chris. If you could go to a Masquerade party with four celebrities of your choice that are part of your posse who do you choose, That's a weird question. Why? Well, let's think about what a masquerade party, because it would be one thing to just invite them to your house for dinner.

2:12 But the fact that we're going to do this at a masquerade party, because now all of a sudden they're on masks, right? So I won't even know it's them, will I? Well, you're right. Okay. How about this? You get to invite them. So you get to invite four celebrities that get to come to your party, your last game party, who are you inviting? Oh, boy. Are they living or dead? Do I have to keep... Let's say... How real are we going to make this? We're going to make it fantasy. So as long as they're alive or dead, that's fine. But they just have to be human. Okay. They have to be human. So let's see. I i'm gonna choose people based on their costume wearing capabilities just kidding i i don't know that i would know how to maybe i should see this is always so tough for me because like people say oh what's your favorite movie and i'll think well i can probably whittle it down to my favorite hundred let's see i i think just for historical purposes i would need to invite jesus uh because you know there's a lot i would want to know about a lot of things on that end, and then let's see i i hear that stan lee was always the life of the party so let's let's bring him out okay and and i think i think just i i'm not just thinking who who i would like to hang out with and ask questions but also who's going to get along and

3:44 be entertaining but also who's going to get this party the the the publicity right who's who's going to get the the cameras out to to see this party right and so let's see i i think i should invite a couple women after that agreed but i i don't know any women so i i guess it'll just be the three of us. Hey that's quite the party i mean you got jesus there last time he went to the party we know how that worked out oh man let me tell you mine sir here's who i would invite my four guests i would invite chris farley okay richard pryor okay rodney dangerfield i see a theme developing here it changes it gets crazy already the last and final guest.

4:41 What was, okay, hold on. I don't want to say her name wrong. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What was her name? Nicole? Nicole. She was famous in the aughts, late 90s. Is she a comedian? No, she was married to that oil guy and then he died. Oh, yes. Yes, sorry. Anna Nicole Smith. There you go. Yes. Yes, that's who I would invite. And what made you choose this selection for the masquerade party you're going to be throwing? Well, Richard Fryer is probably going to tell some of the craziest jokes I can imagine, especially if he can be anonymous. Chris Farley probably could barely fit in a mask and be full party mode, right?

5:27 And then Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect, so he deserves that. And then, of course, Anna Nicole Smith, just like you said, you need a woman there. And she's the one for your party, you decided. She's the one for the party. Exactly, exactly. So here's the question, everybody. Who had the better party? I just want to say I'm disappointed I didn't make your list. Because I would have enjoyed being at that masquerade party. Oh, that one would have been a good one, yeah. But before we kick off this show, for those who don't know who Chris Wisney is, I'm going to do this every episode. So Chris, tell them who you are and tell them where they can find your awesome work. I am Chris Wisnia.

6:10 I am a musician and comic book creator. I've been drawing and writing comics for 20 years. And my latest book, Doris Danger, Giant Monsters Amok, is available from Fantagraphics. And you can check out fun little snippets and teasers that'll get you excited about it at my social media at Chris Wisnia Art, including my YouTube channel and website where I've got lots of fun things for you to enjoy. Yes, go check him out. Chris Wisniew is absolutely incredible. A dear friend of the Uncle Dad Talks family.

6:52 And we're very excited to have him part of this Halloween special series. So I think we should kick it off, Chris. The way this show works is that we're going to play a little bit. I can interject or, you know, I can see Chris, you guys can't, but Chris will give me a signal. What do you think, Chris? A thumbs up or a finger? What do you want to? What's your signal? yeah let's come up with a very elaborate signal yes how about oh that's a good one all right don't don't let everyone know because it's got to be a secret signal exactly when we do that but we're going to interject here and there and we're hearing it for the first time i have not heard this and what are we what are we playing uncle dad what what audio are we playing it is from the five minute mysteries radio show five minutes mystery five minute mystery radio show was a syndicated show that.

7:45 Came out from 1947 to 1950 basically these were right they were on broadcasting but they were on every little every little radio you can imagine because they they basically sold it so that they can create ads in between so you know syndication right like oh hey blah blah right and if you didn't listen to the last episode we did a whole thing about that so go check about that i want to repeat everything because it was a lot but go listen to our last episode but chris i'm very excited we are going to listen to five minute mysteries episode the masquerade starting right now and what better way to start it than what we all know and love with a goddamn organ here we go forever here we go five minutes Let's do it.

8:54 Just so everybody knows that's not edited that really is how long it is yeah and while you're stopped i i was just thinking about if if we were alive back then and you know probably the radio is just on in the background you know in the family room and kids are playing with blocks and in their rooms or mom's making dinner or folding laundry dad maybe just got home from work and you know there there's probably a fair amount of. Variety in what you can hear you know there there's you know a classical orchestra playing or an opera or uh in the 40s you know they're starting to get to be some jazz if you're young and cool and and and there was a lot of the the tv programming and we we don't think about this so much now but when when this dumb organ song comes on that that's sort of the the cue you know oh mom dad the show's on everybody come in let's let's solve this mystery and it's like you know we we think of it now as come on let's let's fast forward through this let's get to it but but back then there there was kind of a purpose to this it was filling time because they had to fill 24 hours or 10 hours or whatever their day was but also but also a signal hey everyone come in and then that gets people in listening and gets you listening to the ads in between for the the soap detergent or the cigarettes or whatever you know so so there are multiple purposes to

10:25 this that make it kind of fascinating i never really thought about that but i guess it's true that's probably why it's so long because then it yeah it's feeling time but like you said it's it's giving everybody time to gather right is that kind of that's that's actually really clever i think we're going to start doing two minute uh organ intros now all right let's continue. We're gonna have that all memorized by the end of this series we'll do a sing-along the final episode, Ladies and gentlemen of the Masquerade, I address you as Master of the Revels.

11:06 You have been asked to come here disguised in the roles you have all secretly longed for these many years. You are all strangers to one another. Your identity known only to yourself. You will remain within your secret selves till midnight when you shall unmask and reveal your true self. So we know for sure someone's going to die, I imagine, right? You go to this party someone's dying i i've got a question for you i i'm kind of thrown into the middle of something i i don't know much about what do you know about masquerade parties well have you ever seen a movie called eyes wide shut is that everything you need to know about.

11:52 What's the password no you know what i don't want to go too much into that but i can give me a brief little history you could guess so masquerade balls have been around since the 15th century i don't know if you're aware of that but the 15th century it kind of starts in venice venice seems to be where it comes from and then century why not sooner why not right but it has a very strong history in the in the in italy verona right verona italy we all know about that masquerade balls then extended into costume public festivals uh that happened during the 20th the 20th century during the renaissance right what's the idea with with dressing up in masks well i'm gonna get there okay but basically the reason why we do masquerade parties right is to celebrate who you are anonymously by wearing a mask in you know in very colorful fashions now they were worn delicately by a prosperous class usually at balls masquerades mask have been many many including hiding one's identity using different colors to express excuse me freedom of speech and voices one's emotions and opinions without judgment that was the big thing about it right there were two types of base masquerade mask you had a black mask and a white mask designs and patterns were created over the years that would kind of you know.

13:13 Accentuate that what's really cool is the full face mask and the half face mask started becoming more prominent after movie actor plays such as the phantom of the opera roman juliet even lone ranger. Brought it back in more ways there is a contemporary era of of masquerades that would include the french the french i can't say i can't say this properly but i think it's. Guiana guiana i think basically it's a where women completely disguise themselves in a full body quote-unquote mask where you cannot tell who they are and in north america had a huge resurgence in the late 1990s and probably because of eyes wide shut so it is about actually hiding your identity It's a little different than like Halloween dressing up where it's about kind of expressing who you are or would like to be or idolize or think is fun.

14:13 This is about being in public and maybe about kind of voicing opinions without having to be stigmatized by those opinions. Absolutely. And could you imagine back in that era, that must have been a tough thing to do, I'm sure, right? So especially as a woman i can only imagine right like being a woman and being able to be you know freedom of saying whatever you want i can only imagine how tough that was so it's kind of interesting to see how there was a huge resurgence of that in the french era right where women could go to these and just be you know completely anonymous not knowing anything you know from head to toe it's kind of fascinating but i would i would think fear of being discovered who you are like hey is anyone going to recognize me if i voiced these opinions I mean, especially if you're at a party like Eyes Wide Shut.

15:04 I mean, and for those who don't know that reference, just Google it and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. All right, let's continue here. For three hours, the mystery of the unknown is yours. I see all manner of people tonight. There is Misto, the magician, a gypsy, a peasant, a statesman, a clown such as myself. And there, there is Cinderella, who at midnight will find that dreams must end. So do we get that count right? Four characters? I feel like I need to rewind and write these down as we go. The great thing is the listener can, so go back and listen and write those names down. But I believe it's four characters I counted, right? with with our speaker as the clown yes yeah so what were they cinderella the clown how's your memory wasn't one of them like a statesman is that what he said i thought he said a stakeman and i was like what's a stakeman but a statesman makes more sense and what was the first one i've already gone blank.

16:09 Wasn't that the magician? Magician. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Till midnight, give yourselves to the music, the wine and the delicacy. And there you have it. The magic of a sorcerer who jumped from apprentice to master in ten easy lessons. Oh, show us another, Mr. Oh, I do not have the time. It was nearly midnight. Can magician stop time? Not in the society I belong to. One more, Misto. We've hardly seen you all night. I've been walking the air, searching for my inspiration. Misto, come here quickly. Forgive me, good people. The master of the rebels calls. What is it?

16:50 I was just walking in the garden, getting some air, and guess what I found? How should I know? I'm only a magician. The girl disguised as simple... Oh, my God. How should i know i'm only a magician i'm gonna start saying that when i meet people so they ask me a question but but you'll also have to start going around looking like a magician smart smart. She's dead what what do we do look it's almost midnight lock the body in a room until i get everyone to unmask don't let anyone suspect anything then we'll call the police okay i'll be right back yeah let's lock the body away so it wasn't cinderella that's what he said it was cinderella yeah yeah yeah so this is gonna make it easier to guess which of the others is a murderer if there's one less to choose from but was she part of the original cast though i don't remember that name cinderella was the fourth was it yeah so you knock out one so now you have three characters left and if you listen to last week's episode it's more i don't know i don't know the theme yet obviously right but it did seem like it was pretty easy to nail down who it was you don't have to choose from from a lot of choices we do know that the magician wasn't around very much, i i'm a little confused because i assumed cinderella was the woman talking to the magician all the time. I thought so too.

18:21 I guess that must have been bystander, right? Also, whoever this gentleman is who came and told him, I assume it's the statement or statement man. He wasn't there watching the magician show, so he just came from somewhere. That's suspicious. I'm feeling pretty suspicious about everyone. In fact, I think Cinderella might have done it. She might have killed herself. Here we go. It is almost midnight. Prepare to unmask. And as you reveal your real selves to one another, the royal prince will become a beggar, the peasant, the wealthy man, the gypsy, a statesman, the clown, a respected philosopher, and Cinderella, poor Cinderella, her horse-drawn coach to become a pumpkin, the birthmark of poverty to show beneath her tired eyes.

19:16 Midnight, unmask. Go ahead. So we missed a bunch of them. The gypsy? Yeah. I was doing that too. I was like, what? We can't name all of them, even though we've heard them twice now. But, yeah, they're a lot more than we thought. Yeah. Well, listeners, you guys have the power to go back and listen. So you guys got this. Here we go. I misto the magician and reveal. Yes, revealed as a murderer. So they're claiming the magician's the murderer. Okay. That's a pretty fast reveal, isn't it? Not a lot of clues. Not a lot of clues and i really i don't know let's listen let's listen and see if he gives us a clue before revealing how he knows how does the clown know that mr the magician is the murderer of the woman masquerading as cinderella in just a moment we'll know but first.

20:16 But first let's go back to my cigarette so during this the like these sequences like this there must have been an ad in place right there had to have been i i'm guessing one or two right we're like my name's my name is george and i got the best lucky cigarettes around town and go get Lucky Strike now. And you, before we started filming these, you talked about how you've listened to a lot of old-time radio. And I've listened to a little bit as well. And back then, it was often the actor's, in in the story would would you know be delivering lines of the story and then all of a sudden just break into an ad you know it wasn't like a separately filmed thing by separate people and so it would be much easier to to insert the ads yeah but did you did you notice that i don't know how many how many you've listened to but do you notice that it's usually always cigarettes, it's cigarettes a lot yeah ...

21:18 ... ... ... During these points you guys are more than welcome to go grab a beer or grab a water go use the restroom yeah wash your hands you have time you got time i i'm wondering if the clues have already been given and we just weren't listening close enough do you have any idea why they would know it was the magician no because literally all he said was i was i guess this could be a clue when he said i was outside getting some air and i found cinderella in the garden, so the other guy said that right right that would have been the statesman right.

22:06 So do you think it has to be has to do with being in the garden i would assume or maybe she went to go outside and do you think maybe the magician said something to the woman we thought was cinderella that gave him away maybe ah let's find out after this amazing orchestra or organ Thank We'll be right back. Thank you.

23:02 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. so we're back everybody and we both made pastrami sandwiches during that musical interlude and we're ready to have our sandwiches and solve this mystery let's do it and now back to our story the masquerade, you are of your mind no but you must have been to let the proof of your guilt slip out you'd have a good case if you could prove it, So he says, you let the proof of your guilt slip out. So it was something that he accidentally said while doing his magic. Yes. Okay, let's see.

23:45 I've got it. Do you? What is it? The magician was actually one of the other people dressed up, and he completely switched costumes with them, and that's how we know it's him. Ah, look at you. I don't think that's what really happened. I like that. That would be a crazy twist. That would be a crazy twist in five minutes. God, yes. All right, here we go. Of her poverty beneath her tired eyes. Why such a rich metaphor for Cinderella and a meager one for the others? She interested me. To the extent that you knew there was a birthmark beneath her right eye. You didn't know who she was. No one did. She remained masked all evening. Yet you knew what lay beneath that mask.

24:26 Don't tell me that was coincidence. You saw her unmasked. Yes yes i i didn't mean to it it all happened so suddenly you should have perfected a disappearing act friend it would have stood you in good stead right now that one happened so quick i don't even know like how to really grasp that well if if it was a true masquerade how could he have seen a face covered, with moles and burke marks and then mentioned it must have been that person. Brilliant! Hold on, I'm confused though. Is it because he mentioned who it was right away and how could he do that without knowing?

25:10 Is that why? I think that's what they're saying. Whatever he said, oh, you mean the woman who was dressed as Cinderella but had a mask on her face who had a birthmark god it's got it's got it's okay let's see. It might not it might not stand up in court, i don't know about that one either that's a weird one, somebody knows the mystery is over yeah it's just wondering if it's going to come back to anything or if we're done that's it that's it you know what we don't need to play the rest of thing you guys know it but uh but that was so i gotta be honest i think something i wanted to add to these shows chris is kind of rating the overall story from one to ten honestly the last one we did without giving it away if you haven't listened to it yet i actually thought was pretty clever i'll give that one an eight out of ten personally this one i don't really know if i like it that much and before i give it a number what do you think chris i i would say that first one I'd give a seven and this one maybe a four.

26:20 Now I am kind of funny about ratings though in that, I don't mind rating something low and still really enjoying it. Oh, me too. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. I love bad movies too. So like, I, I mean, like it's fine. It can be, it can be like, you know, the level of the American classic, the room would still be, you know, incredible. A lot of fun to be had in low ranking culture. Oh, absolutely. So for this one, I give it a, personally, I give it a three out of 10. Yeah. I don't know that I'm convinced the murder was solved in this one.

27:01 And I want to say again that my attention span is so poor. This is not a format for me to just listen through without rewinding and listening to about six times. I don't think I'd have survived in 1945 listening to these on my own. You would have been crazy. You're listening back in 1945. There is no rewind, right? You're just listening and you're like, oh, this is it. You got to stay focused. Yeah. No doubt about it. Exactly. Yeah, I read books. I reread the same page over and over again. I watch TV shows. I'm going back. What did they say? Who's this? I just have the scatterbrained mentality.

27:41 And speaking of that scatterbrained mentality, our show comes to an end. Everybody, thank you for listening. This is episode two of the limited Halloween series from Uncle Dad Talks. Five Minute Mysteries, or I like to call it Uncle Dads and Chris. Sorry, let me do my old transatlantic voice. Y'all listening to Chris Wizzia and Uncle Dad Talks present. Old Tommy Radio. And then when we hang up here, I'm going to go listen to it about six more times and see if I can solve this mystery. You sure can!

28:22 Everybody have a great Halloween and we'll see you all next week. Music.